I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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