Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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