I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
