I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
