You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
