im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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