not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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