I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
