Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
