I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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