Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
