my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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