ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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