i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
