I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
