I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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