Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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