I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Everyone says I win the strip club
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
