I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
