the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
