There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Randomize
