My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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