I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
