Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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