I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
