i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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