we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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