I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
