I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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