It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
