dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Who died my cat blue again?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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