I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
