This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
