I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
