EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
