there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
