it hurts more in the daytime
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
