i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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