Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
