Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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