her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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