and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Two words: nipple clamps
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