I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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