Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
