I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
