Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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