The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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