I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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