just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
