Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
